Today marks the 6th Death Anniversary of my mother.
I don’t know what to feel. 6 years have passed in a whim. I can’t even remember her voice now. I’m scared that one day, I’ll forget her face too.
But weirdly enough, i can vividly remember my dream about her a few days before her death. In my dream, we were in an escalator. It was in SM City Baguio. That escalator to the cinemas. We were side by side and suddenly she held my hand out of nowhere. We’re the kind of family that’s not touchy feely. I cannot even remember the last time I said I love you to my parents or sisters. I know. It’s fucked up.
I can also remember our first and last movie together. It was Milan starring Piolo Pascual and Claudine Baretto. That was ages ago.
She battled cancer for almost a year and a half. When she was diagnosed, it was too late. She was given a couple of months to live.
I can say that that specific 18 months were very dark for our family. I’m still in the university that time. My friends can attest to that. I just break down and cry even in the middle of class. I don’t know what to think. I can’t handle what’s happening.
I really miss her. I’m typing this entry in the middle of my training and I can feel that my tears will just flow any minute now.
I’m sorry for being selfish but I wish she was there during my graduation and any other milestones in my life. My first paycheck. My first travel abroad. I could’ve treated her with travels. To places we only see in movies. I wish we traveled together. I wish I witnessed her first plane ride. Her awe as she witness the sea of clouds from the window. I wish she enjoyed the ride to heaven at least.
Until now, I think something is missing with my life. It feels like there’s a void in my heart. The past six years, I feel so empty. I don’t know.
eat read shoot film video games. repeat. 
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