Six Years of Emptiness

Today marks the 6th Death Anniversary of my mother.

I don’t know what to feel. 6 years have passed in a whim. I can’t even remember her voice now. I’m scared that one day, I’ll forget her face too.
But weirdly enough, i can vividly remember my dream about her a few days before her death. In my dream, we were in an escalator. It was in SM City Baguio. That escalator to the cinemas. We were side by side and suddenly she held my hand out of nowhere. We’re the kind of family that’s not touchy feely. I cannot even remember the last time I said I love you to my parents or sisters. I know. It’s fucked up.

I can also remember our first and last movie together. It was Milan starring Piolo Pascual and Claudine Baretto. That was ages ago.


She battled cancer for almost a year and a half. When she was diagnosed, it was too late. She was given a couple of months to live.

I can say that that specific 18 months were very dark for our family. I’m still in the university that time. My friends can attest to that. I just break down and cry even in the middle of class. I don’t know what to think. I can’t handle what’s happening.

I really miss her. I’m typing this entry in the middle of my training and I can feel that my tears will just flow any minute now.

I’m sorry for being selfish but I wish she was there during my graduation and any other milestones in my life. My first paycheck. My first travel abroad. I could’ve treated her with travels. To places we only see in movies. I wish we traveled together. I wish I witnessed her first plane ride. Her awe as she witness the sea of clouds from the window. I wish she enjoyed the ride to heaven at least.

Until now, I think something is missing with my life. It feels like there’s a void in my heart. The past six years, I feel so empty. I don’t know.

21 thoughts on “Six Years of Emptiness

  1. Ang lungkot naman ne’to. Naalala ko rin lolo ko. 😦 Ang sarap talaga minsan isumpa ng cancer ‘no.. Hay. And nalungkot rin ako lalo dun sa ‘di mo na maalala voice n’ya. Sure ako ‘di mo makakalimutan mukha n’ya kuya kasi may pictures ka naman. Malaking tulong rin talaga ang technlogy.

    Hope you’re feeling better now, Kuya. I’m sure she’s watching over you. And proud siya sa’yo ngayon. 🙂

  2. Mothers are mothers. No one else can ever replace them. Don’t be so sad na kuya. Gaya nga ng sabi ni Amielle, she’s watching over you and she’s proud of you. For sure. 🙂

  3. Sarap tambangan ng cancer. Bwisit. Pero ayun. Mej masaklap lang kasi di niya naenjoy yung ‘success’ sa career ko ngayon. 😭

  4. So ayun nga. Yung nakakapanghinayang lang eh di niya naexperience yung fruits ng paghihirap niya para mapaaral kami ganyan.

  5. Ano ba yan!! That just makes me sad. Minsan iniisip ko nlng they’re in a better place. I hate cancer talaga. Ang daming kinukuha sa atin 😦

  6. Ako ngayon naman waaa😭 Nakaya mo… sana magawa ko din to para sa tatay ko😔 Baka intro pa lang hindi ko na makita yung screen ng laptop dahil sa luha☹️

  7. I lost my dad 7 years ago (nung Sept anniversary nya) because of myocardial infarction or heart attack. It was sudden, normal day nga lang yun at our house. We even went out for grocery earlier in the day tapos nung kinagabihan, yun na. Walang pasabi. DOA. Also, yesterday (Nov 7) was my dad’s birthday, as stated sa records niya but sa ibang date namin sinecelebrate kasi yun yung nkagawian namin. I haven’t been reading blog posts for a very long time now but ewan ko what made me check my emails today at nakita ko yung post mo and I have this strong urge to comment. I feel you in so many levels. I can’t remember his voice as well and that breaks me to pieces. My only consolation is that happy na si Papa ngayon.
    Well, I just wanna say that even if your mom wasn’t there to see you reaching your dreams, she is proud of you. All mothers do. As for you, I don’t know you at all but I can feel your pain. I will pray for you and your mom tonight. Time and prayer heals. God Bless you 🙂

  8. I’m so sorry. Grabe talaga yung biglaan. Di naman sa mas ok yung sa akin kasi gradual pero sakit nung paunti unting nadradrain yung life ni Mama out of her. Yun lang. Isipin na lang natin na nasa ‘better place’ na sila ngayon at di na nahihirapan pa. Thank you for the comment. Sobrang lungkot ko kahapon pero ngayon nababasa ko mga comments mej gumagaan pakiramdam ko. Kaya natin to. Have an awesome day or night kung saan ka man ngayon.

  9. It’s okay. Ako naman close na close kami ni Papa ko and the first few years ang hirap-hirap kasi yung family namin totally dependent sa kanya (tsaka na ako natutong magluto pagkawala nya eh 4th year hs na’ko nun). Pero lately, mas naaalala ko nalang yung masasayang memories. Hindi naman mawawala yung sakit, pero you can always try to choose to remember the happy memories. You’re welcome! Sino ba naman mgdadamayan kundi tayo din na mga nawalan. Tsaka smile, for sure happy yung mama kung happy ka 🙂

  10. How I wish nagpicture or video ako ng madami noon para may binabalik balikan ako ganyan pag nalulungkot ako. Pero ayun. Hold on na lang sa happy memories ganyan. Marunong ka pala magluto. Padala ka naman ng ulam dito sa Uganda. Haha. JK

  11. Ako rin. Hayyys. Oo marunong na’ko magluto ngayon, sabi nga ni Mama pareho kami magluto ni Papa (ewan ko lang din baka binobola lang ako nun). Luh ang layo mo din ha? Edi kung mgpapadala ko jan panis na. Kaloka to. Hahaha

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